DATING CONFESSIONS FROM A 50 SOMETHING YR. OLD WOMAN

 

Let’s start with this…I have not gone on a date in years.

I can’t get naked in front of someone. Even my dog leaves the room when I undress, and he is a nudist.

I prefer my friend with benefits because he is a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.

What would I put on an online dating profile anyway?

Hobbies: Solo Folk dancing, Guitar (Chords GCD), Long walks in my apartment hall.

Photos: I can’t show my entire body because everything is heading down south. I’ll explain – when I was 17, heading down south meant heading to Florida with my friends for Spring Break, when I was 18, heading down south meant…never mind. Now heading down south means everything is heading down south.

I have bags under my eyes, and I read this blog late at night about how Preparation H, having anti-inflammatory ingredients, can lessen those bags so I ran to the bathroom because I have some Preparation H (so do you) and placed it on my face hoping that the next morning I would awake looking 10 years younger but instead I had a bad rash.

I went back to investigate the source of that Blog and it turned out to be called “Stuff I Put on My Face” by some 12-year-old kid.

Also, I am not comfortable eating a meal with a stranger on a date. Am I supposed to eat or take small bites and talk in-between? Am I supposed to have manners or eat like I do when I am alone, shoving the food in my face until I have to loosen my pants and then I sit there thinking “These chips are making me thirsty.”

And what about making out? Kissing? If the kiss isn’t good, how can I possibly move onto the next step? First of all, there is an upper lip and a bottom lip, and they each deserve equal attention. Start gently, brushing your lips against mine and whatever you do, don’t rush in with the tongue. It’s the first time our tongues are meeting. It should be slow and steady and as for the saliva, make sure you have it under control. Wet is good, dishwasher wet is bad and breath is 80% of the equation. Whatever you do, don’t kiss me after you have eaten souvlaki.

I also can’t stay out past 9:30PM because I’m tired and fed up and as nice as you may be, chances are I will be fantasizing about being in my PJs, under a blanket watching Succession (I dig the father, played by Brian Cox - he’s right up my alley).

And what about having to explain the past 50+ years of my life and how I have come to this fabulous, highly successful moment in time? What parts do I leave out and what parts DO I LEAVE OUT? It’s way too long a story and I don’t even want to hear it.

What if this fictitious person has an overbearing mother who prefers her son date a woman who does her hair, wears make-up, and an outfit? What’s an outfit? Where do I get one? Hilary Clinton, call me.

My wardrobe consists of lumber shirts, Levi’s, Converse runners, white V-neck t-shirts and Roots classic grey draw string sweats. I’m talking comfort, pants that fall below my waist (because I have no waist) and shoes that come in various colours and jeans that last a lifetime.

As for dogs – well you must love them, especially mine!

So, when all is said and done, my confession to you is that I am not meant for dating.

I am however meant for solo folk dancing, playing guitar, eating chips in my sweats, and using Preparation H for its intended purpose.

Brian Cox – call me!