LAUGHING COHEN

  I did not expect to be single at this stage of life but I have found a way around it and highly recommend it to anyone in my position. Don’t get me wrong – being alone mid-life is not an easy pill to swallow. Many deep thoughts have traversed through my slightly tangled and wondrous mind:  Maybe I should have stopped after the fifth tattoo. Maybe baseball caps should no longer be a permanent fixture in my vast and glorious wardrobe.  Maybe I should have listened to my mother and married that accountant. Maybe I should have ditched my graphic T's and button fly Levis for a dress - although there would be no real point to that (other than giving my mother a sliver of hope) because I would still be wearing my Levis under the dress. Yep I was digging real deep until one miraculous Saturday - I met Netflix and we started dating. We didn’t meet on Tinder or Bumble – there were no swipes or hook ups or need for geo tracking. Nope none of that - for just $10 - I found Netflix and Netflix

  Okay I get that the Bachelorette is all about young women who are in search of a husband - a wedding dress, starting a family and lots of french kissing but what about us middle aged single ladies? Here are the top 9 ways (and they are fascinating) that this middle aged, fed up, tired, bloated, tell it like it is Bachelorette would do stuff: 9 - the moment the cameras start to roll and those bright lights hit me - I am going to do one thing and one thing only - have a hot flash (and say "Oye I'm having a hot flash"). 8 - opening scene - forget the arrival by limo and i don't need 50 men - nine for the picking will do - arrive walking your dog and when you first lay your eyes upon my mystical beauty ask "Who are you wearing?" and I will reply "Levis by Levi Strauss". 7 - settle into the mansion - and if this whole greeting process goes past 930PM then I am going to bed because I'm fed up, tired and bloated and they better have Netflix.  6 - le

  I’m lounging. It’s 7pm on a Friday night. The work week is done. I reward myself with Pad Thai (uh huh...from the box). I’m in my regular dining spot; my Lazyboy (digestion position - midway back). I’m watching TV while my dog watches me (he is familiar with my mediocre chopstick skills). I’m thinking, “This Pad Thai is delicious. What a great start to yet another exciting weekend” and then it happens:   The following is in slow motion… noodles covered in tiny pieces of peanuts on way to mouth – leap off the chopsticks onto   shirt Everything stops – my entire world – as I fathom what to do next. I could set my hand into “pickle claw” position and “pick” it from my shirt. I could remove the shirt altogether and change into another. Aaaaa....too much work - so I leave it on my shirt. I’m streaming “This is Us” so I know I am going to start crying at any moment and if I put it on pause then I’ll have to start crying all over again. Then it occurs to me “This Pad Thai is making me thirs

  It’s Friday night and I am fully reclined on my Lazy Boy eating Miss Vickie’s Chips. I buy 3 different flavours and I mix them all into one bowl. I’ve substituted that for foreplay and so far it’s doing the trick. I’m watching Survivor (on demand) and the players are starving, sweating, dreaming of toilet paper, a burger, and fries. They are at one of those obstacle courses and Jeff is shouting the instructions. They don’t understand a single word, neither do I and I have shelter, air conditioning and a mouth full of chips. Now my Uber Eats has just arrived, I’m digging into my Cote St. Luc BBQ Chicken with those amazing fries (chips and fries = two sources of vitamin C in one night), there’s some gravy dipping going on and it’s the part of the show when those headless people demonstrate the obstacle course. Who are those people? How can I get that job? Also, why is everyone always wet and how do they suddenly have blazers and fedoras and hip clothing? Is there a retro shop on the is

  Let’s start with this…I have not gone on a date in years. I can’t get naked in front of someone. Even my dog leaves the room when I undress, and he is a nudist. I prefer my friend with benefits because he is a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. What would I put on an online dating profile anyway? Hobbies: Solo Folk dancing, Guitar (Chords GCD), Long walks in my apartment hall. Photos: I can’t show my entire body because everything is heading down south. I’ll explain – when I was 17, heading down south meant heading to Florida with my friends for Spring Break, when I was 18, heading down south meant…never mind. Now heading down south means everything is heading down south. I have bags under my eyes, and I read this blog late at night about how Preparation H, having anti-inflammatory ingredients, can lessen those bags so I ran to the bathroom because I have some Preparation H (so do you) and placed it on my face hoping that the next morning I would awake looking 10 years younger but i

I AM IN GRADE 7, SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE TRYING TO CONVINCE MY MOTHER TO ALLOW ME TO HAVE MY FRIENDS OVER FOR A SOCIAL. I HAVE ALREADY BRIBED MY FATHER WITH A PIECE OF STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE. MY MOTHER MAKES ME A DEAL, IF I AGREE TO HAVE A DISCUSSION AMONGST MY FRIENDS ABOUT HOW WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE,  I CAN HAVE MY PARTY. WORD GETS OUT QUICK, THAT SATURDAY NIGHT IS GOING DOWN AT THE COHEN HOUSE. FORTUNATELY FOR ME (UNFORTUNATELY FOR MY BROTHER MIKE WHO HAS BEEN ASSIGNED TO LOOK OVER US BUT ALREADY HAS FIVE JOBS AT THE AGE OF 17 AND LEAVES SHORTLY THEREAFTER), IT'S DATE NIGHT FOR MY PARENTS: EARLY MOVIE (KRAMER VS KRAMER) AT PLAZA COTES-DES-NEIGES, DINNER AT LE BIFTHEQUE. THE DOOR BELL RINGS AND 15 FRIENDS AND 5 STRANGERS PILE INTO THE BASEMENT.  LET THE GAMES BEGIN (ALL INAPPROPRIATE) : GAME#1 - SCHOOL - A KISSING GAME IN WHICH THE BOYS SIT IN CHAIRS IN A LINE AND THE GIRLS LINE UP AND KISS THE BOYS AND THEN THE BOYS EITHER GIVE IT A PASS OR FAIL. PASS